Lives of Passion, School of Hope

Kids get the message all too well. The pressure to achieve mounts like a frightening storm. Smart kids crack. Kids who don’t fit in simply give up. The Test takes over, and many young people are left out in the cold.

The pressure I feel to do well on the tests and get good grades is enormous. I think about it all the time. I have no life, and sometimes I feel completely alienated from what I am supposed to be learning. Meanwhile, the things that are really important to me, like my relationships with friends, family, and the world, seem to be considered totally unimportant.
–Debbie, a student in a conventional high school in Marin County, California

Relationships? Social skills? Many educators think: “Who has the time? It’s not the school’s place to deal with these matters anyway,” while many parents believe it’s up to families and churches to handle them outside of school. But as we see through increasing dropout rates, gang participation, school violence, and numbers of disaffected youth, families and churches often aren’t facilitating children’s social development all that well.

In this brave new world of schooling, it’s easy to lose track of what really matters: the life skills, what Brooks calls the keys to one’s “worldly success.” If we sit down and really think about it, what we should be aiming for in our schools is to develop well-rounded, smart kids who have the wherewithal to get along with people and maintain meaningful relationships.

My years at the school deeply affected my own ability to develop and sustain fulfilling relationships. When I first transferred to the Open School, I had already had some experience with being an advisor as a special education teacher in conventional schools. There, with a little ingenuity and more than a little freedom from scrutiny from the mainstream program, I was able to get pretty close to kids. The truth was that I was often the only advocate for my kids. Increasingly, I felt like a defense attorney for these poor souls who felt trapped in a system that did not respond to their desires or needs.

When I came to the Open School, it didn’t take long to realize that everyone was treated as special and that relationships were paramount in importance. I quickly saw that I could really do what I had always thought teaching was all about: get to know kids on a profoundly personal level and help them to achieve their own goals. Advisors were actually encouraged to take the time to pursue these relationships, not to look at them as distractions from the “real” curriculum. As a teacher, I was in heaven!

For me, the school’s focus on relationships put all of my own personal connections in a more prominent light. My family, friends, and community became important. I began to feel that I needed to pay closer attention to all the people in my life and to their hopes and dreams.

I was also reminded of a Yiddish word that I learned from my father: haimisch. It meant down home or family. I began to see that the feeling at the school was one of family—the closeness and support that appear to be absent in so many lives today. For many alumni, this is one of the school’s greatest gifts.

It’s like one big extended family, with all the joys, sorrows, celebrations, and struggles that go with it.
–Marsh, class of 1987

A Foundation to Build On: The Advisor-Advisee Relationship

In some ways, the school is all about relationships. In fact, one of the few requirements is that each student has at least one trusting, supportive relationship to start with—the one with his advisor. This connection with an adult in the community is really the starting point for everything that happens at the school. The advisor acts as an advocate and guide through the self-directed journey that is the Open School.

Self-directed does not imply independent. A student does not go it alone. Instead, the idea is to expand from the initial advisee-advisor relationship and build social connections incrementally to include the wider school community and then, ideally, the world at large. The progression of personal relationships and connections looks like a V, with the student at the bottom. As the student develops personally, socially, and intellectually, he begins to branch out. The initial connection with the advisor becomes the starting point for the adventure at hand: one’s journey of personal growth.

The importance of this first relationship is rarely lost on new students, especially those coming from conventional schools. More often than not, these kids arrive from large, anonymous schools where it is easy to get lost or hide out. The Columbine tragedy offers a sobering example of the depersonalized environment common in many large schools today. The killers were angry, alienated boys who either were ignored because they got good grades or were persistently harassed because they didn’t fit in with the popular cliques. They had no personal connections at the school; there was no one who really knew them or cared. Who knows what having a personal advisor would have done for them?

For many of the new students at the Open School, this is the first time they have been asked to be connected with anyone in a school environment, let alone with a teacher. Accordingly, they are suspicious of adults and wary of the requirement to create a relationship with an advisor. Obviously, the building of trust is essential, and it takes time to develop. Some of the alumni say that it took them years to establish that first connection. Often, they remember a series of successes and setbacks as part of their growth in the social area.

When Don first came to the school, he was shy, insecure, and very angry. He actually talked about doing harm to some of his past teachers and schools. His trust level with adults was at zero. Initial meetings with his parents revealed deep emotional wounds and a long history of dysfunctional relationships.

Slowly, almost imperceptibly at first, Don and I began to connect. The school’s environment afforded us the time and opportunity to really get to know each other. A strong bond developed, but Don was not ready to expand beyond it. His first foray into the world of relationships outside of our advisor-advisee relationship was a disaster, a school trip where Don reverted to his angry, alienated behaviors. This first setback was not the last. However, Don learned quickly that he would not be slammed down for his mistakes. Instead, he would be allowed to learn from them.

At least he knew that he had one person whom he could rely on—someone who would support him and advocate for him. Don soon got himself together, and with much encouragement, went on another trip. This time everything clicked. He found that there were other kids with the same issues, people whom he could trust and relate to. Many former students identify such an experience as a turning point that gave them the confidence to reach out to others, to finally trust themselves to be themselves.

Don and I are still close. We have maintained our relationship over twenty years now. I have seen him struggle, stumble, and grow. The bottom line is that we have been there for each other throughout the years. Sometimes, Don thinks about what he would have done without the Open School. He says that he probably would have dropped out or, much worse, might have turned into someone like one of “those Columbine kids.”

When new students arrive, they are still trying to meet the most basic needs identified by the developmental psychologist Abraham Maslow in his hierarchy of needs.  Kids who have not had security and trust needs met are pretty hard to reach, especially if you are trying only to teach them advanced algebra. Maslow contended that all social systems should address the basic needs of safety, shelter, and health before moving up to higher-level needs such as intellectual development, and eventually, achieving one’s potential as a well-rounded human being. His model was aptly shaped like a pyramid.

The Open School philosophy, much like Maslow’s model, is driven by the idea that the personal and social domains must be addressed first and foremost. The idea is that these domains of learning deserve equal time with the intellectual domain. That first trusting relationship with an advisor sets the stage for all that follows in all three domains of learning.

As an advisor, I quickly learned that my role had changed dramatically. One of my first experiences at the school woke me up immediately to the challenges and gifts of teaching in this new environment. I was about to begin the “disorientation,” or wilderness trip—a fairly tough backpacking trip into the mountains taken by each new group of kids—when a student who previously had seemed quite gung ho and prepared for the trip stopped in his tracks about twenty feet into the trail. He threw down his expensive pack and gear and yelled that he couldn’t make it and that he wanted to call his dad to pick him up. What was I to do, a new teacher at the school, unsure of my role as an advisor and probably just as fearful about the trip as this frustrated boy in front me? Immediately my assistants, who were veteran students, came to the rescue. They volunteered to carry his pack and coaxed him along through that difficult first day’s hike.

He made it through the five-day trip and was very proud of himself. Most importantly, he made some new friends and could sense that, with support and caring, he could do almost anything. I was struck by the focus on encouragement and trust displayed by these kids as they helped me form an advising group built on strong personal relationships. The purpose of the trip, to show that school didn’t just take place in the confines of a classroom, was not lost on me.

Open School students are asked to do something that many adults find downright scary. They are asked to become a part of a real community, a family of learners. For many, at first it feels like a hopeless task. Usually, however, a slow but steady change starts to take place. The same student who seemed so alienated and separated begins to speak up in small groups, then in larger settings like classes or governance meetings. Soon it may be hard to recognize this student as the shy, withdrawn kid he once was.

Also, having ownership and control in one’s community through a process of community government is a key point of connection, especially for kids who had no sense of responsibility before. Suddenly, formerly isolated and withdrawn students are serving on hiring committees where they have an equal vote with the staff. They quickly learn that along with strong relationships comes much responsibility. Kids learn that reciprocity is part of the social process.

Kara was a prime example of a student who benefited from forging relationships within the school community. When she first came into my advisory group, she was painfully shy, afraid to talk with anyone about anything. As our relationship developed, she started to reach out little by little. First she made some connections with a small group within the advisory group. Then, with added confidence, she spoke up from time to time in the larger group. Before too long, Kara was taking leadership classes and running the governance sessions for the entire high school.

As I began to feel that I was in a safe, supportive environment, I began to feel it was okay to share my thoughts and feelings. When I reached the point of really caring about the school community, I started to see that it was my responsibility to express myself and even to become a leader.
–Kara, class of 1983

All of the school’s trips and group activities contribute to its focus on social skills and relationships. Many former students mention the group processing that occurs after school trips and group projects—wherein each participant gives and receives feedback regarding her role within the group—as having changed the way they look at themselves as members of an interconnected community.

In processing, we practiced giving and receiving compliments and criticisms, which are vital aspects of any working relationship. I learned how to listen to others and take seriously what they had to say to me, and I also learned how to communicate compliments and criticisms in a positive way so as to be encouraging to someone, rather than discouraging.
–Andrew, class of 1997    

With so much emphasis placed on the social domain, it is not surprising then to hear alumni talk about the importance of relationships in their lives. Many hearken back to the connection with their first advisor. Most have learned to value the enriching qualities of mentoring relationships in their lives while others have become advisors themselves, in either a formal or informal sense.

I often think of my advisor and how connected we became. As a result, I think I have learned how to take advantage of having many mentors in my life. Also, I have acted as an advisor or mentor for others in my roles as a family member, friend, and worker.
–Matt, class of 1979

Many alumni say that developing a sense of accountability to themselves and their advisors, school, and community made for a genuine lesson in life. With all the talk about school accountability these days, no one seems to be asking about a student’s accountability to herself and her responsibility for her own education. And who is accountable to the individual student? At a conventional school, who does a parent call to find out about how his child is doing? His child’s math teacher? The school counselor? Sometimes, you’re lucky if anyone even knows your child by name. At the Open School, a parent knows who to call—the advisor.

The advisory system is designed to build confidence and encourage the social and personal skills a student needs to pursue goals and to participate actively in the community. Students gain a sense of empowerment that extends to and is supported by the school community, and they learn invaluable skills that they can carry through their lives as adults. Some kind of advising or mentoring program should be the starting point for all schools that wish to transform students’ lives and build for the future.

A School that Fosters Healthy Relationships

I wonder how many of us would look back on our high school education as a major influence on our ability to develop meaningful relationships. For Open School alumni, the influence is prominent, sometimes even profound.

Various themes emerge from alumni responses about relationships, some having to do with skills and attitudes, others dealing with social roles and obligations. The feeling that relationships are central to a happy and meaningful life is widespread among former students, and many report that the value placed on relationships by the school had a powerful effect on their adult lives. For some, it was a pleasant surprise:

I remember finding it shockingly refreshing that a school would even allow us to recognize our own social needs, much less consider them a part of life that needed to be honored and factored into a balanced life. Until that point, it seemed my social activities had been viewed (by teachers and parents alike) as something to be tolerated and minimized as much as possible, please. It was such a relief to have social interactions respected as a perfectly natural need, not just a frivolous distraction. Accepting that this was a part of life then allowed us to put the social domain into perspective—not letting it overshadow other areas of life, but not neglecting it at the expense of other areas either. Was I always successful at maintaining this balance? Of course not. Am I now? A little bit more so, but not always. What matters is that we were taught to value balance, and that we were supported in our fledgling attempts at this lifelong tightrope act.
–Anne, class of 1990

Trust and Compassion: We Know How to Relate

A theme that resounds in alumni feedback is that trust is the centerpiece in building strong relationships. It gives people the freedom to be themselves, and it allows them to feel compassion for others without the fear of getting burned. Many alumni point to specific episodes that made them aware they were in a trusting, caring environment.

My early elementary school experiences had been socially disastrous in many respects, and my family was in no way able to provide healthy examples of healthy relationships. I came to the Open School fundamentally alienated from my peers, furious with authority figures, but also desperately eager to please. I was terribly lonely, yet longing for self-sufficiency. I was struggling with feelings of inadequacy, frustrated with myself and anyone who didn’t understand me. In short, I was roundly mad at a world that I felt I was not made for. I was only ten!
–Corrine, class of 1997

At school one day, Corrine learned firsthand that she was at a different kind of place, one that valued relationships and the trust that formed them. Realizing that a friend had run away from school, she quickly left the grounds without permission to seek her out and comfort her. When her advisor found out that Corrine was missing, he followed her off campus. When he discovered what she was up to, instead of getting mad and reporting her, he commended her on her effort to help a fellow student. From that time on Corrine knew that relationships were at the center of the curriculum. She understood that building trust was something she would be allowed to work on as part of her education, not something left for after school. As a result, Corrine incorporated relationships into everything she did at the school. The effects did not diminish in adulthood:

I won’t say that I don’t still struggle with these issues, but, after years of advisors giving me genuine affection, despite my bullshit, I gradually gained confidence in myself. Through the intense social experience of trip after trip, the outlandish notion that I was not entirely alone among my peers eventually became an accepted part of my life. Through my experiences at the school, I learned how to be genuinely self-sufficient without having a constant chip on my shoulder. With encouragement from the school community, I began to discover strengths and talents within myself that allowed me to express how I really felt about things. I started to share parts of my soul that I had felt necessary to hide before.
The advisor-advisee relationship comes up again and again in alumni responses as a focal point of change. Many alumni point to the trust and confidence they developed as part of gaining competence in building and maintaining relationships, especially as it pertains to relationships with adults.

The relationships I shared with my advisors were by far the most meaningful. During my youth I struggled with my relationships with adults, and through a trusting, loyal, and honest process, I emerged challenged and changed. Not only was I more confident about facing adulthood, I was excited to do so.
–Pam, class of 1992

Alumni frequently mention trips as turning points in their lives. Support from experienced students helps kids decide to take some chances with making friends. Kim, who went on to get her Ph.D. in math and computer science, remembers her first trip experience:

When I was in junior high school, I was very shy. I felt that there was no way I could ever break into any of the more popular cliques and that I would have to become a different person in order to do that. I insisted to my parents that I wanted to change schools, and the Open School seemed like the best option. The first day of the wilderness trip I sat alone on a rock apart from the other kids to eat my lunch so that I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. One of the kids, a girl in a leather jacket and Mohawk, came over to me and said that I could join the group if I wanted to. She said that I probably wouldn’t believe her, but that she used to be shy too, so she knew how it felt. She was right, I didn’t believe her, and I finished my lunch on my own. But I was also deeply affected by her unexpected kindness and was able to join the group and form friendships by the end of the trip.
–Kim, class of 1985

Empathy: We Can Walk in Your Shoes

Being able to put themselves in someone else’s shoes is another theme that resonates with alumni. Building solid relationships depends on it. The school is credited with encouraging empathy and reminding kids consistently that they have the ability to reach out to others and make a difference. Trips and other experiences that foster a sense of community are safe, supportive training grounds for developing empathetic skills and sensibilities.

The extensive travel program at the school served to enhance this feeling of empathy. The trips to Third World countries were especially powerful. I remember picking chilies with a family in Mexico and cooking an impromptu dinner with a group in Columbia—we couldn’t help but relate to the struggles and hopes of humanity through these experiences.
The ability to relate to others is something that all schools need to foster. It is part and parcel of the skill set for a global future that demands empathy and understanding on an ever-increasing level. Schools also need to present adult models who can show students how to reach out beyond their personal world.

Modeling: We Model Healthy Relationships for Each Other

Models of strong relationships are plentiful at the school. Both adults and kids focus on the importance of treating each other with respect and compassion. Kids learn to value these behaviors as they begin to actively engage in the community. Many alumni say that they were presented with strong empathetic adult models for the first time in their lives. Seeing adults engaging in healthy relationships showed them that it was safe for them to reach out to others without the fear of getting hurt or humiliated.
Tom (class of 1983) is the director of a well-known art museum in Manhattan. He says the exposure to positive role models in high school has increased his capacity to get along with different people on the job and in his personal life. Like many other alums, he says he is not afraid to reach out in honest and caring ways.

The Open School provided an inspiring group of adult role models with excellent communication skills. I learned to communicate with them as peers; they called me on my bullshit and I called them on their bullshit. They refused to be manipulated. They were passionate people that loved their jobs. Sure, they could lecture very well, but I really learned the most from their example, the way they carried themselves in the world. All of the teachers genuinely cared about my opinion, point of view, and reason for being. They cultivated the idea of fleshing out meaning in life, creating a life, and finding meaning in one’s relationships. It is still with me to this day.

My personal challenges with role models started early on. With a powerful patriarchal father and a rather introverted older brother, I searched for male role models who embodied compassion. I found these models in friends of the family and even uncles and in-laws. The Open School experience showed me more positive role models whom I could interact with as a peer. Immediately, I could see the benefits for the kids who had been searching for these kinds of relationships as I had.

Healthy modeling by teachers who are encouraged to be themselves should be an important part of a school’s charter. Children need to know that healthy relationships are powerful and possible, and they need to learn to approach each other honestly and openly.

Conflict Resolution: We Can Confront and Mediate

Learning how to solve problems, confront difficulties, and compromise is a large part of the Open School experience. Many alumni say they gained valuable training in conflict resolution from the many forms of experiential learning and from having to solve problems within a community that was basically run by the students themselves.

They say they learned that respectfully and competently resolving problems is an important life skill that involves both knowing oneself and appreciating the perspectives of others. Once they were more confident in themselves, they were better able to confront others in positive, honest ways. The school governance process helped. I learned immediately that it was okay to confront, argue, and deliberate about all kinds of things in governance. Staff and students alike tried to solve problems from locker thefts to drinking on school trips to hiring principals. Students learned early on that they were expected to speak up and contribute to the problem-solving process.

In preschool, if ever a pair or group of us got in an argument or fight, Pat would sit us down at a table and have us talk through the conflict, each giving our side and then thinking of solutions. Even though I don’t remember these talks, I know that they had an effect on me, because that’s exactly how I work to resolve conflicts now, as an adult.
–Andrew, class of 1999

The process was not lost on me either. Here I was, a student activist from the sixties, and I was reluctant or sometimes too cynical to get involved. All of a sudden, the kids were modeling their courage and activism for me. Like many reluctant students I was becoming connected with the idea that it was my responsibility as a member of the community to confront issues and help solve problems. I became more confident and started to get involved. I even began confronting fellow staff members about issues regarding school governance and approaches to kids. I was changing and growing from the realization that it was possible to get involved without becoming angry or hurt. It was even all right to be confronted and to confront myself if it was done with love and compassion.

 It was a great practice ground for citizenship and personal growth. Trips helped too. Conflicts were abundant in travel groups that lived with each other 24/7. Students were presented with conflicts such as how to discipline those who broke school trust rules, disagreements about travel plans, and angry confrontations between group members and sometimes even between teachers.

On one of my first trips with the school, my co-teacher and I relied on the kids to fill the gas tank, wash the van windows, and do the cooking and cleanup on the first night out. The next day we heard the kids having an impromptu meeting and before we knew it, they were confronting us about not pitching in and helping. My initial reaction was one of anger—distress, really—at losing control. I soon got over it and realized that I was part of the group and needed to share in the responsibilities. I had learned something about how the school operated, and I had become more aware of my own ability to look at confrontation as a win-win situation and not just a constant competition.

The school culture made this possible. Schools that encourage students to become empowered and open give us hope. Meaningful relationships depend on the ability to confront and resolve conflicts, and the world is increasingly dependent on these skills.

Responsibility: The Buck Stops Here

Students learn the reciprocity involved in relationships. Within the richly interconnected school community, the ability to make decisions, proceed with plans of action, and complete projects often depends on one’s fellow students. For instance, Passage meetings do not take place unless the entire committee, which includes several fellow students, is present. Peer pressure to follow through with commitments is an essential part of the process.

Once kids buy into the idea of belonging to a real community, they will frequently help those who are seemingly disengaged and floundering. Kids who fail to attend governance or advising meetings are often sought out by connected students who try to bring them into the fold. This sense of responsibility and ownership translates into life skills that are highly valued by alumni.

The school fostered a sense of ownership or responsibility in relationships. In an advising group, one had to be responsible for other advisees’ learning by being part of their committees and support groups. Everything was interconnected. Expectations were high. Everything was evaluated in a community context. I became an “educational citizen,” because in a community of learners, one has to be responsible for others’ success.
–Ian, class of 1997

Building relationships is hard work. Too often conventional schools assume that these connections will develop outside the school setting. No time is allotted for the development of social skills, and students don’t learn that relationships are two-way streets. They are only held accountable for grades and credits, not for character development. When schools take the time and pay attention, the importance of personal responsibility for developing meaningful relationships will change the way students learn and grow.

Confidence: We Have the Courage to Connect

Many alumni say that when they came to the school, they were painfully shy and lacked any social confidence to speak of. Yet they were suddenly asked to dive into social engagement and do things that previously terrified them. Mark (class of 1989) said that at first, it felt like being thrown to the lions. He puts it this way:

When I first arrived at the Open School, I was paralyzed by shyness. Truth be told, I was terrified of almost everyone and only sometimes marginally convincing at pretending otherwise. I felt I didn’t understand the rules of engagement, and I found most social encounters insufferably stressful, so I would often go far out of my way to avoid unnecessary contact with humans other than my closest friends and the few other people who somehow managed to find their way onto my safe list.

Exhibit A: I was terrified of the telephone even more than face-to-face conversations because I couldn’t read the faces of the mysterious people on the other end to see how I was doing. Thus, in the preparatory stages for my first Open School trip (Bahamas 1987), naturally it was I who was gently volunteered by my skillful advisor Dan for the duty of cold-calling numerous venues on the road between Denver and Miami to (gulp) ask if they would put up a group of twenty or so students—for free, no less!

The irony of this was not lost on me, and the culture of the school supported me from all sides to embrace the challenge as an opportunity for growth. I sat in the school office and gave myself a crash course in the Yellow Pages, and conducted my trembling telethon right there where everyone could hear just how inept I was on the phone, facing all my fears at once… and got it done! See, that wasn’t so bad; in fact it was thrilling to face my fear, and I was ecstatic to overcome it. I was hooked, hooked on taking meaningful personal risks. I wanted to do it again and again and again, and I did, for the next three years and ever since.

It would be a bit of a stretch to say my school experience completely and permanently cured me of all anxiety related to human interaction, but this much is absolutely true: I still have the same courageous attitude that I learned then. When I notice I’m feeling nervous, I light up with inspiration and look forward to embracing the challenges courageously, knowing I’ll get through them, and it’s just a question of how to relax into the zone of ease and grace.

So if learning to navigate and eventually overcome social anxieties were the attenuation of a negative, the other side would be the amplification of the positive. And one of the clearest expressions of that would be the fact that I have become a community builder! Not only is my life centered on cultivating relationships of mutual support in my own life, but it is also dedicated to creating environments and experiences that bring others together in meaningful, healing, and productive ways. It takes a global village...
Oh, and I have lived almost every year since then in various community-living situations, creating live-in support situations that are analogous to Open School advisory groups and other such experiences in my home. My wife and I currently share a beautiful house in Oakland with three close friends, including another Open Schooler. We are also in touch with several alumni in the area.

Mark has gone on to work for the Dalai Lama, helping to create community resource programs in India and the Third World. He carries his Open School ideals with him as continues to walk the talk of community and global harmony. His confidence, courage, and commitment to strong personal relationships drive him.

The development of personal confidence is really the goal of all good teachers. School can provide a model community wherein members help each other to challenge, learn, and grow. Strong personal relationships are at the core.
Acceptance: We Know How to Accept Ourselves and Others
Acceptance of self and others is mentioned frequently as a lasting influence of the school.

When I came to the Open School, I was not too sure about who I was, so it was hard for me to accept people who were different from me. I found myself part of an advising group made up of very diverse people. As I became more sure of myself, I started to like being around different kinds of people. The school gave me so many opportunities—so much exposure to variety—that I grew to love it.
As an adult, I love working with diverse groups and meeting different people.
–Leigh, class of 1988

The manner in which the school conducts its special education program is another example of dealing with diversity in relationships. Carsten first came to the school as a middle schooler. He was a tall, handsome young man who just happened to be labeled autistic. Up to this point, he had spent his school days in a small segregated special program for severe, multiply handicapped children. At the time, special education doctrine dictated that a place like our school would be anathema to a child like Carsten; it would be too distracting and disorganized for a person with his learning style.

Nevertheless, his mother, Anna, was looking for something different, someplace that gave real meaning to the term inclusion. She hoped that the Open School would be the place where Carsten could finally be welcomed into an authentic community:

As a teacher and parent at the Open School, I could see how it lent itself to the idea and realization of inclusion. The school emphasized individualized, self-paced learning, but not at the expense of community cohesion. The inter-age, nongraded curriculum and focus on support groups seemed to offer a fertile ground for inclusion.
Anna took the leap of faith. Almost immediately, Carsten became an integral part of the school community, attracting friends of all ages. He displayed many talents and his warm smile filled a room.

I discovered Carsten when he came to my advisory group in high school. My group became a perfect setting for him to take off, both personally and socially. I already had a diverse group of kids who loved and respected each other.

Carsten was an immediate star, and his light shone throughout the entire school. His artistic abilities in drawing and music were given ready outlets, and he soon was performing in front of the whole school. He took classes he was interested in, completed all of his Passages, and even learned to take the bus and keep a job. In truth, he became more self-sufficient than many typical high school students. Everything our advisory group did, Carsten was a part of. He taught us much more than we taught him about kindness, compassion, and acceptance.

When he graduated, Carsten gave a grand performance at the ceremony. It was highlighted with his funky, high-pitched singing, which brought the house down. As parting gifts, he left his drawings and some of his poems. One of his favorites reads:

Good, good tree
Applegrass. Sunny day.
Talk happy. Boat paddle.
I laugh and laugh.

The Open School is a place where anyone who wants to contribute can be honored by the community. Acceptance comes naturally when you value the community and its web of relationships.

Respect: We Know that Everyone Is Important

Offering respect is another aspect of good relationships that alumni learned in their school experience. One of the norms of the school is to remember to show respect for others. In conventional schools, kids often are not treated respectfully by their peers or their teachers, yet they are expected to be respectful in return. Alumni learned that respect has to be earned and reciprocated for it to be valued.

Because we had so many caring adults at the school, I strive to be a caring teacher. I am a Montessori teacher, and I realize how much the Open School has influenced my way of teaching. I had many opportunities to cultivate positive relationships while a student there, which is wholly developmentally appropriate for adolescents. I strive to create meaningful relationships and convey respect for all people, especially children.
–Elizabeth, class of 1979

Respect for others is a key issue in today’s divisive, fractured world. There is lots of talk about acceptance and tolerance but not much discussion about real means for inclusion. I recently heard a black minister who was part of the civil rights movement say that they were not after mere tolerance or acceptance. They wanted to create an inclusive community in which each member would be responsible for the personal growth of the other.

This is what the school tries to do by focusing on the inter-connective power that enables members of the community to become their fullest selves. Schools that become powerful communities can help create a better world, where respect and love are not just possible, but predominant.

Effects on Parenting: We Pass It On

The school’s focus on meaningful relationships directly affects alumni’s ability to be thoughtful, caring parents. The communication skills that students learn are lasting.

I think the relationships I had with both teachers and students were the most important part of my experience at the Open School. That experience led me to realize that relationships in my adult life are very important. It also gave me a greater ability to cultivate them. I believe it has helped me be a better parent as well, being able to teach my children many of the communication skills I learned as a child, along with the importance of valuing other peoples’ feelings.
–Sharon, class of 1982

Respect for self and others also translates into good parenting. Alumni have learned not to be intimidated by adults, and they transfer that sensibility to their children.

The Open School experience taught me much about parenting with respect and love. My kid-adult relationships at the school showed me that children should not be intimidated by adults. Instead, they should learn to trust in their relationships and themselves.
–Patty, class of 1977

I learned many things about parenting through letting go and allow things to happen. This was especially difficult for me, coming from a very controlling family, but once I became accustomed to allowing kids to make mistakes and solve their own problems, it helped me as a parent.
Schools that influence their students’ parental attitudes and skills make an important contribution to an evolving, sometimes chaotic world. Allowing young people to be themselves takes courage and commitment, and a school’s culture can make a big difference.

Effects on Marriage and Long-Term Relationships

Many alumni say that their commitment to making long-term relationships work can be attributed to their experience at the school. Being responsible and accountable to one’s advisor and one’s community makes a lasting impression.

I learned the values of commitment and responsibility at the school from being part of an extended “family.” I have carried these on in my twenty years of marriage.
–Leigh, class of 1980

My long-term relationship is based on trust, compromise, and hard work. At the Open School, I learned that it takes constant effort to maintain meaningful relationships, but in the end it is worth it.
–Tom, class of 1984

Alumni learned early on what is required to develop and maintain long-term relationships, and so it may not be surprising that there are many inter-alumni marriages and long-term partnerships. Many such alums say that they appreciated the shared values and the “Open School way of communicating.”

The Role of Families in the Schools

While there is much talk these days about family values, little of it has to do with schools. At many schools, both families and staff look at each other askance, with mutual distrust and anxiety. Most school communities keep a safe distance from the idea that they can have something to do with developing family values. Meanwhile, parents often feel unwelcome as partners in their children’s education.

But families are not only welcomed as equal partners, they are expected to be part of the process at the Open School. Parents’ involvement begins with a commitment to their choice to come to the school: parents and kids choose to be there. Along with that choice comes responsibility.

Most Open School families say that they felt like they were directly involved in developing sound family values such as respect, openness, and support, along with a good dose of loving and caring, as part of their children’s education. Others say that the school’s focus on meaningful relationships directly affected their family’s values.

The impact of the school on our family was immediate; the school reminded us of the things that are really important: the human skills of compromise, compassion, and honesty.
–New parent at the Open School, 2001

Other families talk about their experiences as integral members of the school community. Many have taught classes. Quite a few have participated in trips as leaders, or just as learners.

I learned so much about my daughter, the school, and myself on the trip! I think the experience reinforced my family’s strong bond and made us more aware of what we valued as a family.
–Parent of a high school student, 1995

Other alumni say that they sought out places like the Open School, such as the Sudbury schools or Waldorf schools, for their children. Many others considered home schooling networks or, if they were fortunate enough, public school alternatives such as charter schools or Montessori models.

For me, having my daughter go to the school was a blessing. My wife and I feel that it brought our lives together and enriched us as a family. The artificial boundaries of work, friendships, and family melted away for us as we became part of a powerful, supportive community. It gave us the sense that everyone was part of raising our child. The feeling of being connected to a larger family is a very joyous one.

Why can’t schools become like family centers? The Open School shows us that if the community is determined and involved, it can create schools with which it has a perpetual connection. All it takes is a commitment to the school’s values and a desire to place family-style relationships at the heart of the program.
In the thirty-nine years since the school began, a number of alumni have gone on to send their own kids there, wanting the next generation to have the rich educational opportunities they experienced and wanting to participate actively in their children’s learning. Over the decades, several families stand out as examples of this strong connection between parents, kids, and the school community.

The First Family of the Open School

One of the founding families of the Open high school program is the Sternberg family of Evergreen, Colorado. In 1974–75, when their daughter was in a conventional high school, Gene and Barbara Sternberg, along with some other mountain families, sought a more personal and meaningful education for their kids. They went searching for a philosophy and a leader who could make it come to life. They found and hired Arnie Langberg, who had taught at the Village School in Long Island. The rest, as they say, is history.
Their daughter Jennifer graduated from the Open School in 1977. Jenny’s son graduated in 2003. At his graduation ceremony, Jenny sang the same song she had sung twenty-six years earlier at her own graduation, “Teach Your Children.”
   
The circle had been completed. Barbara spoke about her feelings for the school and its influences on her family:

For us, the school became a connecting point in our lives. Our relationships within the school and with each other were valued. The school became part of the fabric of our lives as a family and as members of the mountain community. To see our grandson follow the same path was inspiring and wonderful.
Jenny says her proudest moment came at her son’s graduation, when she realized how synergistic a place the Open School could be:

I began to see and feel all the connections between the past, present, and future. It made all of our family relationships even stronger because we understood that we shared the same values about the importance of relationships in our lives. My advisor was still on the staff, and my son’s advisor recognized the rich history my family had with the school.
Jenny’s son, Logan, cried openly when I interviewed the family. His tears were joyous:

My love for my family was magnified by my own experience at the school! I went through so many of the changes that my mom went through. My spirit came alive. My connection with my grandparents took on added meaning, too. After all, they were some the founding parents of the school.

The Grand Family of the Open School

If the Sternbergs are the founding family, then the Durbins might be considered the “grand family.” For three decades, Chuck and Madeline Durbin have sent all but one of their eleven children and grandchildren to the school. They have trusted the school to provide a place of joy and nourishment. Madeline puts it this way:

Our family has been constantly enriched by the school. In fact, the Open School is like one big extended family: a support system of “brothers and sisters,” “aunts and uncles,” and even “grandparents” getting in on the act. We have always felt completely welcomed by the school community, so we have remained active throughout the years. One of our daughters teaches at the school, so we see the connection of relationships grow and change, always in joyously personal ways.

All in the Family: Other Family Connections

Ruby Gibson was part of the very first graduating class of 1976. As of 2008, all of her children have graduated from the school. She says:

I see the school as promoting the values of family and community. The Open School taught me and my kids about a way to live life to the fullest, with love and support from family and friends.

Two of Ruby’s children had the same advisor who had worked with Ruby in 1976. Her son Jinji puts it this way:

The connections were amazing! Of course, I had a different relationship with Jeff than my mom did, but it was very cool to feel like someone really knew my family and how it developed over the years, someone who cared about us as a family.
Here is an abbreviated transcript of Ruby’s speech at her youngest child’s graduation:
Community and Fearlessness by Ruby Gibson


Our son is graduating today. He’s sitting right over there. I am so proud of him. How incredible to watch him bloom into a magnificent human being! Thirty-two years ago I sat in the same spot. And some of the same people sitting in the audience then are again sitting here today. My mother, my sisters, and some of the early pioneers of mindful education are also here. I have deep gratitude for all of you . . . for your mentoring, your wisdom, for being true to your dreams. With special thanks to Mateo’s advisor for her sweet and delicate care of our son . . .

Mateo’s father and I have produced five children and five JCOS graduates. We have been in this community a long time, and I feel as if I am graduating for the seventh time! What a joy to come full circle again. I stand here as an alumni, as a mother, a learner, a teacher, and a grateful community member. How did thirty-two years pass so quickly? And why are we all still here, year after year, returning to this annual celebration? Well, I didn’t know back then. But I know now. It has taken me all this time to truly understand the magic that is happening here.

When I was sitting where my son is now, I was scared to death. I didn’t recognize it as fear. I only knew that I was being given responsibility for my life. In 1976, I didn’t face even a fraction of the challenges that the class of 2008 will have to deal with. There was no oil shortage, no endangered polar bears, no fear of global warming, no genetically modified corn threatening to collapse our sustainability. I didn’t even know what a cell phone was! In 1976 my dreams were to gather up my backpack, hammock, and harmonica and hitchhike my way across the southwest. Which my sisters and I did!

But I was still afraid. When I found Arnie and the Mountain Open High School, I was a bit of an outcast. A high school sideliner consumed with risky adventure, drugs, and boys. But it was nothing that a wilderness trip, an inspired staff, and the support of our newly formed community couldn’t cure, and I began to imagine that there was more to life, and quite possibly, more to me. The one-year thrust of community interaction was enough to propel me toward my destiny. I have published two books, traveled around the globe, healed thousands of suffering people, and have become a leader in my circle. But I never forget my roots. In one short year, the Open School community left an indelible mark on my heart and soul, and in combination with my family of origin, established and sustained a belief that I was never alone. What a comfort!     

Ruby’s beautiful speech echoes my appreciation of the collective weave of the school family. She describes the possibility of family and school as a hoop of hope, a way of connecting the best of our culture to the creation of a better world.

Most staff members have sent their children all the way through the Open School program. This strong faith in the philosophy of the school is much more than just loyalty. It is a wonderful opportunity to form a powerful bond of family relationships based on strong values and shared experiences.

When my daughter came to the school, I was elated. I realized that she would share the same life-changing experiences and personal growth opportunities that I had had. Over the years, I understood how this common bond helped our family connect and grow. Our strong foundation was rooted in the school’s values of love, compassion, and following our dreams. Other staff families feel the same.

We took our kids on school trips from the time they were in kindergarten. They became acculturated in the Open School values and ideas about learning and personal growth. They also became quite familiar with the adult world by being around older kids and staff members. The whole experience served to bring our family together in ways we never dreamed possible. The school became the center of our family life. We all felt like we were part of a large extended family, with all the joys, headaches, and support that come with it.
–Open School staff member and parent, 1976-2002

Effects on Relationships with Communities, the Environment, and the World: We Are All in This Together

The influence of the school on building relationships extends to the larger community, the natural environment, and even to the world as a whole. Many alumni say that their relationships to their communities are based on commitment and responsibility. They are involved in a wide variety of community activities, including political activism to promote the rights of immigrant workers, environmental action in the areas of water and wilderness preservation, and engagement with movements for peace and justice in the Third World.

Anna (class of 1979) echoes the sensibilities of the sixties when she says, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” She has remained active in community affairs throughout her adult life.

I learned at the school to take my commitment to community seriously. I learned to take advantage of my opportunities to become involved and empowered as a leader and activist. Now I am part of many communities in my life as an adult: my child’s school, my political representation, even my neighborhood’s housing group.
–Anna, class of 1979

One former student describes himself as having been, at one time, “rather apathetic” about most community matters. Now, looking back, he says the school gave him the confidence to develop his leadership skills, which he soon got an opportunity to demonstrate.

I became the president of my college student government and the coordinator for several social-justice activist groups in the community. The Open School helped me discover who I am, what my values are, and my sense of self-worth.
–Aaron, class of 1996

Many former students report that they were surprised to extend their concept of relationships to the earth and the environment.

On camping trips with the school, a deep respect for the environment was encouraged. We practiced a low-impact kind of hiking. We always tried to leave our campsites as clean as if we hadn’t been there at all. We learned to appreciate the importance of our relationship with the earth.
–David, class of 1990
On several trips, encounters with bears emphasized the importance of living with nature. On one wilderness trip, a bear chased a student through camp.

I was scared out of my mind! I guess we learned that we are not alone in this world. We started using our bear bags to hang our food, and we weren’t so careless and sloppy with our lives in the wilderness. We understood that we couldn’t just do anything we wanted all the time. It was a lesson in responsibility and respect.
–Barb, class of 1984
The many trips to other parts of the U.S. and other regions of the world enabled students to establish relationships with people whose lives looked quite different from their own, and yet who shared the same desires, needs, and aspirations. Students were able to stretch their sense of community to embrace the entire world.

The Berlin trip is still with me every day! I learned so much about myself and how to relate to people in a different culture. It helped me become more connected, not so separated from current events. As a result, I have studied and lived in Germany as an adult. I consider myself a citizen of the world now.
–Michael, class of 1990
On a trip to Mexico in 1985, Greg (class of 1986) told me:

I finally realized that my Mexican-American heritage makes me part of a large global family with connections and relationships everywhere.
Profile of Success: It’s All in the Family
Heidi McCallister, Class of 1978
Heidi’s emblem of success is sleeping in the next room. Raising her young child to follow his dreams seems most important to her now. Her son has an excellent role model; Heidi was able to start her own pursuit of a full, engaged life at an early age. She was, in fact, in the first wave of students in 1970, at the original Open Living elementary school. She remembers the early days with the same sense of wonder and joy that she has today.

I recall that the love of learning was so important to everyone in those first years at the school. The idea of a good student was one who was always curious, always searching for solutions to problems. The stage was set for the concept that learning was cool. The school naturally cultivated a desire for the learning process itself.
She remembers that the qualities of honesty, fairness, and good citizenship were valued highly. She says, “We learned to be honest because the teachers and community members were honest with us.”
Freedom was also important. Kids were allowed to play and explore. She quickly learned that it was okay to take some chances and try new things, and to be creative and improvise. No one yelled at kids for going out of the box. Today, Heidi sees that this freedom enabled her to see life as a great adventure, one that requires courage and innovation.

The school set the stage for a successful life as something that was always challenging, but also an exciting and fulfilling experience.
Heidi soon found herself among another vanguard as she participated in the creation of the Open High School in 1975. She felt that she was in on the ground floor of something wonderful, but the responsibility of creating a school almost from scratch was sometimes daunting. She was involved with the extensive search and subsequent interviews for the principal’s position and the staff. As a result, Heidi and the other Open Living students got to make some very important decisions about just what kind of school they wanted for the future.

Being involved with hiring for the new high school was hard but rewarding work. We kids soon discovered that being a good citizen and community member meant taking the responsibility to make decisions. Now, I see that being a successful adult means doing the same thing.
Heidi soaked up as much experience and learning as possible. She credits the school with helping her make thoughtful choices by demanding that she constantly create her own curriculum. She was also expected to develop her critical thinking skills and not to just accept the status quo.

The constant meetings to determine the way the school would work forced us to think about the ideal school and what we really wanted from our education. This, in turn, helped us to see that we needed to think critically about all the ideas out there. This is an invaluable skill in making your way through life’s many challenges.
She remembers going on the first school trips to Mexico and Guatemala, and recalls how passionate her teachers were about everything from math to geography. She got involved in giving back to the wider community through service projects, internships, and work at museums and with environmental groups. These experiences convinced her that, for her, a meaningful life would involve service and educating others. She discovered her passions for the environment and teaching, and combining these in her pursuits became her lifelong goal.
As an undergraduate, she studied environmental education, leadership, and the natural sciences. During the summers, she worked as a volunteer at the natural history museum and taught classes on environmental issues to public school students.
Heidi continued her education at the Yale School of Forestry, where she studied environmental management and museum studies, particularly museum education programs. When she completed her master’s degree, she applied for the Peace Corps. She had had a lot of experience going to other countries at the Open School, and she still wanted to fulfill her desire to travel and learn about more cultures. She says, “I really wanted to continue to challenge myself, see the world, and serve other people at the same time. The Peace Corps seemed ideal.”

Accepting a tough assignment in Paraguay, Heidi became immersed in the Peace Corps philosophy of giving back and helping to create the world that ought to be. Instead of treating it as a two-year phase in her life, Heidi went on to teach and train prospective Peace Corps candidates in Panama.
After this experience, Heidi left for Mexico, where she taught English in a small village. Soon after, she was recruited by Mexico’s forestry service, where she became an advisor and instructor for the Mexican Department of Education, designing and conducting educational workshops on the environment.
After several years, Heidi returned to the Peace Corps to run the environmental education and training program. She looks back on her educational and career trajectory with much respect for the strong foundation she gained at the school.

After twenty-five years of professional experience and three published books, I still think that I got the initial drive to follow my dreams from the Open School. The school provided me with the early confidence and wherewithal to really go for it. I have worked and lived in more than a dozen countries, but my home base is always the school.
Along the way, Heidi met her future husband and, after many years of trying, finally had her first child. Now, she reevaluates her life in terms of her core values. Viewing herself as a lifelong learner has motivated her as her life changed directions.

All of my academic honors and work experiences pale in comparison to the wonderful feeling of success I feel as a parent. My goals are always going to be there, but the Open School taught me that a full, meaningful life has heart, passion, and relationships at its roots. Now I have a ten-month-old baby upstairs sleeping, and I get to spend every minute with him. I couldn’t be more passionate about anything.

Putting Things into Perspective
On April 22, 1999—two days after two students attacked their high school in Littleton, Colorado, killing twelve students and staff and, finally, themselves—the entire staff and student body of the Open School marched five miles to Columbine High School to pay their respects and show their support. No other school in Jefferson County joined them.
One month after the Columbine murders, a group of Jefferson County principals and administrators met to discuss strategies to prevent such tragedies in the future. The questions of the day: How could this have happened in one of the most affluent school districts in Colorado? Why didn’t we see this coming?
Columbine was a large high school. It was easy for students to get lost or hide out. Then there were the cliques: the Jocks, the Goths, the Stoners, and others. Some kids felt they were outcasts. Many felt that there was no sense of school community except for the pep rallies for the sports teams, which only about 20 percent of the school participated in.
How could these kids have gone so far? After all, they were not bad students. Perhaps they were ignored because they got good grades and performed well on the standardized tests. Did anyone really get to know these boys?
At the principals’ meeting, the question was raised: do we have a model for some kind of counseling program that can reach all kinds of kids? Only one of the principals offered a response. The director of the Open School stated that her school had been conducting an effective advising program for thirty years. She added that every student had an advisor whose job was to get to know him on a deep, personal level. No one at the meeting took much interest in the advisory program, and the discussion went on to consider some packaged, formulaic counseling programs. It was if to say that the Open School was an anomaly that had nothing to offer the real world of conventional schools and education.
The aftershock of the Columbine shootings rocked the foundations of the education system across the country. Most of the talk was about metal detectors and searches. Some debate involved parental responsibility. Little of the discussion involved the idea of personalizing the educational system and getting to know kids. In fact, if anything, there was a retrenchment to a back-to-basics, impersonal approach to education and schools. The social and personal domains were, once again, given little attention. The importance of relationships and community responsibility was pushed back into the closet.
In the days after Columbine, many parents were afraid to send their kids to school. High school students, fearing a copycat incident, stayed home in huge numbers. Tensions were high. Meanwhile, the Open School went on with its business of building a safe, nurturing community in which to learn. Students actually used the school as a haven.

I remember, the day after Columbine, I couldn’t wait to go to school. I felt so safe and supported there. It felt like walking into my own living room with my family around a table. I don’t think a Columbine could ever happen there. At the very least, we would have known that something was coming because everyone gets to know each other so well.
–Kelly, class of 1999
Other alumni say that their issues with anger and alienation were brought to the fore by the Columbine incident. They credit the school with providing them with a supportive, safe environment in which to face these problems.

I had anger, violent tendencies, and difficulty making and keeping friends. The explicit graduation requirements highlighted the importance of relationships and specific concepts that I was to work on and made it easier to discuss them with my advisor. The freedom I was given allowed me to work through many personal and social problems. Hence, in my present and recent past life, I have been able to cultivate scores of meaningful relationships and have worked with and met lots of people without the fear or conflict that afflicted me in earlier times.
–Dan, class of 2002
The importance that the school places on building meaningful relationships is not a cure-all for today’s educational problems. However, if we are looking for ways to personalize and humanize our approach to education, we can go far by taking some steps in that direction.
According to some educational reform experts, children need to be surrounded with meaningful, stable relationships in order to thrive in the twenty-first century. A 2007 UNICEF report that rated twenty-one First World countries on the status of their children’s well-being ranked the United States eighteenth overall and twentieth in the “family and peer relationship” dimension.  This assessment included such factors as the amount of time parents spent with their children and how helpful and kind children found their peers. Apparently, many American children are starving for attention. As families falter in their support for young children, who is picking up the slack? It seems obvious that schools must start paying heed to the value of human relationships and the effect they have on students’ ability to develop rich, satisfying lives.
Most Open School alumni say they wouldn’t be the people they are today without the impact of that first connection with their advisors. From that point on, they were able to build and expand their relationships into a meaningful web, or extended family, that reached beyond themselves to the world at large.